Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
