he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he's gonorrhea incarnate
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
