Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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