hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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