Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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