he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
