k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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