if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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