In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
