Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
