I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
