If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
