i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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