I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
