she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
