we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
