my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
