I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
