Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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