We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
