just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
