just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
