Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
