He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I lost the right to judge tonight
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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