Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've blown a few things in my day
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
