6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
