i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
