and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
