Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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