someone owes me an orgasm
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
