I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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