omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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