when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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