do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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