Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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