please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
