I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
