when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
