this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
