You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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