I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
