Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
