Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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