a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
