My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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