just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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