hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
