I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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