My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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