my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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